


A new reason

by KillerStrawberry



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, Hysteria, M/M, Medication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Christmas, Overdosing, Pills, Shotgunning, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Vomiting, do not read if you have any of the tagged triggers, i am projecting onto this, juuling, mentions of overdose symptoms, please this was written so i can project my feelings this is given a trigger warning for a reason, regret for suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillerStrawberry/pseuds/KillerStrawberry
Summary: Goshiki is battling mental illness. He's going to suffer in this before he sees the light i am shit at descriptions, but seriously, goshiki is really fucking struggling and he needs help, he is gonna just prepare to leave earth, but it doesnt work out, and he meets someone for the better
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Semi Eita
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	A new reason

Christmas was in the air. The night cut the day shorter and shorter, but the lights strung up on every lamppost made up for the moon taking its hold as early as 4pm.

The weather was scientifically considered to be frozen, but to Goshiki, it was a pleasant way to bring him back to his senses, and ground him from the familiar curling claws of depression around his heart.

He exhaled into the chill and watched his breath swirl in the air and disappear moments later.

He watched couple upon couple pass by, hands in tow. He topped at a bench for a moment and considered sitting down.

He knew if he sat down it would be many hours later until he would be able to move again, but he felt so fatigued, so tired, his eyes hurt so much and his temples throbbed. His shoulders tensed and hunched together and his fingers felt like stone from the lack of circulation.

He looked up in the direction of a Christmas tree, which had fairy lights that illuminated the immediate area around it.

Unfortunately, he chose to look up at the wrong time, seeing a couple eskimo kiss through their masks, eyelashes fluttering on their cheeks.

It sent another pummel of absolute dread and disgust through Goshiki.

 _Who would ever want me? I’m the ugly bowl-cut bitch from Shiritorizawa. No one fucking wants me, I'm fucking ugly inside and out, I fucking hate this shit, fucking holiday bullshit. It’s no one else’s fault that I'm so fucking depressed, but it doesn’t fucking help seeing everyone around me so fucking happy. I haven’t even been invited to do holiday activities. **Would you have even gone if they did invite you?**_ A new, unwelcome voice joined his insecurities in his head.

Feeling as if it was a lost cause in the first place, he opted for sitting on the bench, knowing there was no one for him to go home to anyway even if he were to choose to skip out on the lonely wooden bench, undoubtably made for couples, and not lonely losers.

**_You should just stay here all night. No one will notice you anyways you stupid lonely fucker. If you just freeze on this bench, I bet no one will notice you're missing._** _Stop, my friends will miss me, they love me_

**_No, they fucking don’t, if they did do you think you’d be wandering aimlessly around with no one to go home to?_ ** _They’re busy tonight, it’s no big deal, I can hang out with them another day, they miss me, they even said so to me today_

**_This happens every year Tsu, every damn year you are a lonely fucker, a loser, that’s all you are get it through your thick fucking skull that no one fucking likes you_ ** _please, stop this, please, I know, okay? I hate myself so fucking much you're not making it easier on me, please shut up, please leave me alone, please stop._

**_That’s the spirit Tsu, keep talking that way, you'll learn your place soon enough if you keep up that attitude you low-life pathetic piece of shit_ ** _I know I'm pathetic, I know okay? Stop reminding me. I already want to die so fucking much you're not helping please just let me live in peace I can’t go on like this anymore_

**_Then don’t go on like this anymore, end it. I'm just as much a part of you, as you are a part of me, I'm not going anywhere, you know I’m not._ ** _I see._

Goshiki leaned forward and let out a small defeated sigh.

He looked around at the scenery one last time, and decided that maybe it was his time after all. The holidays had no special place for Goshiki after the deep black claws pierced his heart with their ink.

Goshiki reached into his pocket and dug around for his Juul. He put it to his lips and took a long draw, exhaling the strawberry flavored vapor, and watched it swirl away into the night sky.

He nodded to the Christmas tree, and hoisted himself off the bench. His mind had one path now, and it was how he could get out of this the fastest way possible.

He was no stranger to the voice that cemented itself within his deepest thoughts. The voice was part of the same demon which stole his heart in with the black claws. He knew he needed to get it to leave. If he could get the voice to leave, surely, the vice grip on his heart will also slip away, and he’d be free. Right?

With this delirious thought in mind, he walked a little faster than before with determination in his eyes. He continued taking drags of the strawberry Juul, allowing the burn of the smoke to warm his cold body.

The crackle of the device accompanied him while he marched almost proudly home.

If you looked back on Goshiki’s memories from when he was a teenager, you'd be shocked he hasn’t become so self-destructive earlier.

Tsu looked around the house and sighed, allowing his eyes to see something that only his mind owned. Memories.

No one was ever proud of him, no one ever was willing to see him for what he was, he was always second pick, never seen as a rival to Ushijima, he was always the ugly one, always the one that got asked out as a rebound, then dumped a week later because they always got back with their ex.

Goshiki was never enough. And that was what he took with him from high school. He was always seen smiling, being emotional and earnest, but it seemed after high school, the life slipped right off of him like rain off an umbrella.

Goshiki knew he would never be enough no matter what he did, so he accepted his fate now. It didn’t matter what his therapist diagnosed him with, it didn’t matter what she said because no matter what, he was still a failure, he still wasn’t worth anything, he wasn’t worth a dime, a penny, or even the lint off of last weeks washed clothes.

“I fucking hate myself” he muttered to himself. He was wandering around the bathroom now, looking for his pills.

He remembers his therapist saying “if you have a trusted person in your life, maybe have them administer them to you, … suicide no matter what age can… seem – tempting when an easy way out is dangling in front of your face”

Goshiki snorted lightly at the irony of the situation. This wasn’t his first time dealing with suicide, but the holidays made it so much worse. He simply wanted nothing more than to disappear during the holiday season. He couldn’t even enjoy the Christmas cheer, all of it just rang with insecurities in his head.

Goshiki’s fingers rested on the orange bottle, and pulled it off the shelf. He bit his lip, grabbed a bathroom cup and filled it maybe halfway with tap water.

Goshiki never drank tap water because he knew filtered water was the safest option.

Goshiki gazed in his reflection, and took a deep breath before popping the cap and shaking out several pills into his hand.

He swallowed them with the help of his water, and decided it wasn’t enough, so he counted 10 more, and piled them in his mouth two at a time and gulped them.

Hysteria gripped his mind like the demon of mental illness did his heart. He started laughing manically, pointing at the mirror, screaming with spittle flying at his reflection.

“what do you think of that rat bastard? I did it! You didn’t think I would! You didn’t think I’d be able to get rid of you, you mother fucker! HA! Even if I go down now, we go down together, I’m taking you down, you can’t ever fucking haunt me again” his tone was screeching and bordering earsplitting.

**_Nothing you can do can get rid of me. You are pathetic, you are no one_ **

“Wanna test me fucker? Wanna go? I give you 5 minutes before you can’t even speak anymore!”

Those 5 minutes weren’t even needed. Goshiki straightened up and began panting heavily. It felt like he was running for hours, he stumbled into the bathtub to sit, to rest.

His thoughts turned to soup, and the inky black voice turned into a garbled slurring mess.

He felt the claws loosen off his heart. He would have laughed, if he wasn’t so out of breath, and if his heart wasn’t pounding as if it were ready to explode.

His head lolled back and forth like a seasick boat.

His mouth, now incredibly dry stuck together like glue. He threw himself forward and smacked his head into 1 of 3 sinks he was seeing in his blurred vision.

He stuck his head under the faucet and sloppily turned it on and tried to drink.   
He choked on the faucet water, and proceeded to gag and vomit the clear liquid into the sink.

“fuck” he slurred. “the voice will come back if I throw up the pills”

He grabbed the open bottle and began eating the pills like sucking candy.

Cotton felt like it was swelling in his throat, inevitably, he gagged again, this time regurgitating whole pills onto the white tile he was crumpled on.

After each pill he vomited, he started screaming in frustration.

“No! Fuck you! No! This can’t be happening! I need you to stay gone gO AWAY” his voice cut out from how loud he was getting. His vocal cords wound tight like an over-tuned guitar.

He pushed himself off the floor in an attempt to take more of the green and orange pills. Instead, all he did was collapse forward and land half in his bathtub, and half out on the tile.

When Goshiki stirred again, it was almost evening again. His eyes felt like they were sealed shut with peanut butter. He was slow to move, and slow to sit himself up, or rather, pull himself all the way into the tub to reposition himself.

His head was fuzzy, but he looked at the mess in the bathroom, and it all came rushing back.

With a shaky breath, he sat up and pushed himself up. His head hurt, but it wasn’t anything his Juul couldn’t fix. And a nice glass of water.

He cleaned up the pills, threw them out, and breathed deeply, while he washed the vomit down the drain of the sink.

Goshiki regretted last night. He knew he truly didn’t want to die, but he just wanted the black claws to fucking disappear.

It was painful, but he was going to manage. He had to. He was depending on himself right now, he can’t give up now. As backwards as it sounds, he was grateful for last night because if it never happened, maybe he would have tried a different method, and maybe he would have actually died and he would never have had the option to see the stars one more time.

Goshiki was the only one who could take care of himself, so he decided to go out one more time to see how worth it life was.

He grabbed the strawberry Juul, pocketed it, and walked out the door, after freshening up of course.

He made it to the same bench he was at yesterday, and stared at the tree again.

He sat down and pulled out the Juul, huffing on the tasty fumes, and staring at the star on the top of the Christmas tree.

When he wasn’t paying attention, someone with greyish blonde hair earnestly asked for a hit of his Juul.

Goshiki was stunned for a moment “aren’t you afraid of COVID-19?”

The other man looked at him and said “It would be worth it if I caught it from you, you’re really cute, I saw you sitting here alone, and I’m hoping you’re maybe, single?”

Goshiki’s eyes warmed in a second.

“I know you, Semi Eita, right?”

Semi looked surprised before melting into a recognizing grin

“Goshiki! Oh my god Goshiki I didn’t even realize it was you! You just looked so pretty and I just – I really wanted a date with you”

Goshiki smiled. “how about right now for a date?”

Semi’s eyes twinkled, he grabbed a hold of Goshiki’s hands and pulled him towards the skating rink.

“our date starts here”

On the skating rink, Goshiki held Semi up and gently guided him around the circle.

“you can’t skate, can you Semi” Goshiki laughed.

Semi laughed and weakly shoved him. He gasped and grabbed onto Goshiki’s muscular arm.

Goshiki let out a hearty laugh.

He helped Semi circle the rink one more time before getting off and taking off the rental skates.

They talked walked and talked for hours, passing the Juul back and forth.

Goshiki had an idea. He grabbed Semi, turned him to face him and said, “Tsu. Call me Tsu, just like you did in high school, please”

Semi’s pupils enlarged and glittered “Tsu” he hushed

Goshiki took the Juul from Semi’s hand, took a deep inhale in, brough him close, and shot gunned the smoke into his mouth, leaning closer and closer until their mouths met.

The kiss became intense and handsy.

“Come back to my place Eita?”

“Gladly”

“Also, Eita, if you need a new place, please move in with me, even if this doesn’t work out, we can still be roommates, please, I don’t want to be alone anymore”

Eita looked up at the begging Goshiki and smiled.

“You're in luck pretty boy, I’ve been looking for a new place to live”.

Goshiki hugged Semi tightly and smiled.

“Let’s go home, Eita”.

Goshiki found a new reason to live, he still struggled with his mental illnesses, but Semi was there even on his hardest days, rubbing his back, and cooking him food. Goshiki didn’t feel alone anymore. He smiled more, went out more, and came out of his shell.

Semi and Goshiki started seriously dating after Goshiki got back up on his feet. He started to listen to his therapist, and he finally felt something other than the black claws. They never went away, but he found a way to manage it, and he found someone who he could love endlessly for life.


End file.
